


Tubbo's Letter.

by tobythebee



Category: DreamSMP, Minecraft (Video Game)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Post-Manberg-Pogtopia War on Dream Team SMP (Video Blogging RPF), Toby Smith | Tubbo Angst, Toby Smith | Tubbo-centric, tubbos character is self aware of how poorly hes been treated
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-18 06:53:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28862883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tobythebee/pseuds/tobythebee
Summary: "The thing about it is that it's hard. It's hard being both the victim and therapist. It's hard knowing exactly what you need to do and should do, but having your brain fight against you, against itself. Double thinking each move you make, every action you take."--We don't often get a look into Tubbo's true thoughts or feelings, or why he does what he does despite all the bad things that's happened, but I thought I could give some sort of perspective by writing a letter in Tubbos point of view.
Kudos: 53





	Tubbo's Letter.

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings of mentions of abuse, and thoughts of suicide.

The thing about it is that it's hard. It's hard being both the victim and therapist. It's hard knowing exactly what you need to do and should do, but having your brain fight against you, against itself. Double thinking each move you make, every action you take.

Its hard knowing that you need help, that you need to reach out to someone, but that fear of what might happen if you do. That if you reach out it only gets worse, just like it always has in the past.

That fear of dying but also wanting to die, but if only to get rid of the guilt, the shame and the hurt, the betrayal and frustrations and rage quelled up inside you, only to be held back for fear of living up to everyone's thoughts of you, a villain, nothing short of evil.

To want to get rid of these negative emotions without having to unleash them on someone whos hurting just as much as you, maybe even more. But after having spent so much time fighting, fighting for something, something to live for and work for.

Because you've spent so much time fighting for that, for a purpose, you've spent time building up relationships and watching those same relationships crumble, and you're tired of it.

Tired of living just to fight someone else's war, tired of living out of spite and malice and for revenge, because that's all everyone fights for now, but you're tired of fighting for the negative. You want to fight for that reason to live, to truly live.

A reason that is so pure and joyful, to be clear in what to strive for, to strive for happiness and a second chance, a second chance at just everything, everything that's happened, everything but that pure unharnessed negativity.

But instead for something pure and untouched, untouched by all the trauma and abuse and pain that someone had inflicted onto you, someone who was so cruel as to inflict that on a child and continue to do so.

Not just fighting for that reason, but a feeling as well. Not just any feeling though, but a feeling that washes over you, that makes you feel so safe that you feel like falling asleep, even in the midst of a constant battlefield where the price to pay for losing is your life.

But that also makes you feel at home, welcomed and unjudged, an escape from the harsh reality that is your life and into a place where fear doesn't exist, like it never did. And instead of fear, it's replaced with love.

Love that is shown in every action taken, sprouting and growing that same love with each new step, a love so true and unrelenting that its almost overwhelming, and would be overwhelming if it were anyone else, but luckily, you are you. I am myself, and nobody else is me.

So I take that love, and express it in each action I take, every move I make, to even towards those who hurt me and continue to do so, and forgive them because there is enough hate and malice in this land, and I have more than enough love to give.

And I take that love to push forward, and never stop pushing forward, despite all the ridicules and pain and hurt. Because one day someone will reciprocate and return that love back to me, not romantically, but deeper, like a family would.

And that is when I know when I can truly love.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this, but originally posted it on my twitter @tobythebee


End file.
